Let's talk about sex..

[evildrem]

Okay people, this has been prompted by a number of conversations I seem to have had recently.

*1* How do you deal with educating your partner in your sexual needs?

*2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?

*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?

I'd love some input here from all of you *pokes f-list* because it seems like information which is just not shared enough.

Personally I have little to no embarrassment threshold when it comes to discussing sex or what turns me on. Anyone who knows me personally, knows this. *grins* I am, however, aware that I am somewhat in the minority when it comes to this and also that at times that can be a bit intimidating.

Communication between sexual partners on what they want/don't want seems to be an area fraught with problems and emotional land mines. I really, strongly feel that this is something people can help everyone with by discussing openly.

So, I declare open season. Answer my 3 questions and then feel free to ask anything else you want. Let's broaden each other's minds and swop some tips!

Comments

[noize.livejournal.com]

What would you do if you really wanted to do or have done your partner wouldn't want to do, or feel comfortable doing?

Just curious on your viewpoint(s) of that matter :)

Good question

[evildrem.livejournal.com]

This is something I've ended up dealing with a lot given my extra curricular activities with BDSM. Naturally I'm a switch but I tend to end up in the dominant role most often simply because there are so very few around.

Most of my relationships have been with people with people who have either shared my interests enough for us to be able to include enough of what I want to make life interesting or they have been into the scene.

I have tended not to end up with people who have been totally anti but them again I'm fairly up front about such things.

I have been on the other end of the situation on a couple of occasions. I have known several couples, where one of the couple has has very particular requirements sexually which their partner has not been able to fulfill for them. In particular with one couple, the man in this case was very much a masochist while his partner who he loved deeply was unable to hurt him at all simply because it really upset her.

I have no issues with hurting people if that is what they want. They both approached me as a friend and asked if I would fulfill that need for the man. I was happy to do that. His partner was always present during the scene and I never actually had penetrative sex with him. She would then take over the role of looking after him/caring for him after the scene.

It worked very well for a year or so and then I became involved with someone full time and I wasn't able to commit myself in that way anymore.

That's a very specific type of situation and I think if all the parties are honest and open with each other it can be done. In more usual sexual situations I'd say that you have to discuss it and come to some kind of compromise. Kinda I'll do this if you do that.

The BDSM checklists that are available to new players so they can record their hard and soft limits and wishes are actually great tools for most couples even if they aren't interested in BDSM. It's always good to sit down with a partner and run through exactly what they do and don't like. There is something about lists which makes people more open *grins*

I wouldn't advocate anyone doing anything whether sexual or otherwise they are uncomfortable with. It doesn't matter how much you love someone. I've always taken the view that I'd hate someone to be doing something with me just because they felt they ought to. Gah! Makes me shudder just thinking about it. I kind of work on the principal that most people would have a similar view :)

Re: Good question

[noize.livejournal.com]

where one of the couple has has very particular requirements sexually which their partner has not been able to fulfill for them. In particular with one couple, the man in this case was very much a masochist while his partner who he loved deeply was unable to hurt him at all simply because it really upset her.

I know that very well:- it's not a nice situation to be in, and i would never expect anyone to do anything for/to me that they didn't agree, or didn't feel comfortable doing.

Then again, I can see how it would feel I guess, I feel awful if i accidentally kick or knock someone enough for them to complain in such situations, and usually stop whatever is going on to apologise profusely and rub/kiss better :D