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Okay people, this has been prompted by a number of conversations I seem to have had recently.
*1* How do you deal with educating your partner in your sexual needs?
*2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?
*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?
I'd love some input here from all of you *pokes f-list* because it seems like information which is just not shared enough.
Personally I have little to no embarrassment threshold when it comes to discussing sex or what turns me on. Anyone who knows me personally, knows this. *grins* I am, however, aware that I am somewhat in the minority when it comes to this and also that at times that can be a bit intimidating.
Communication between sexual partners on what they want/don't want seems to be an area fraught with problems and emotional land mines. I really, strongly feel that this is something people can help everyone with by discussing openly.
So, I declare open season. Answer my 3 questions and then feel free to ask anything else you want. Let's broaden each other's minds and swop some tips!
*1* How do you deal with educating your partner in your sexual needs?
*2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?
*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?
I'd love some input here from all of you *pokes f-list* because it seems like information which is just not shared enough.
Personally I have little to no embarrassment threshold when it comes to discussing sex or what turns me on. Anyone who knows me personally, knows this. *grins* I am, however, aware that I am somewhat in the minority when it comes to this and also that at times that can be a bit intimidating.
Communication between sexual partners on what they want/don't want seems to be an area fraught with problems and emotional land mines. I really, strongly feel that this is something people can help everyone with by discussing openly.
So, I declare open season. Answer my 3 questions and then feel free to ask anything else you want. Let's broaden each other's minds and swop some tips!
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From:
no subject
1= I'd normally tell ask them 'do you enjoy, or do you mind, followed with what I think I find a turnon, to see if they mind it or not. If not, it's normally discussed afterwards, and mention somthing like 'we have to do that again'
2= I'd like to think i could judge by the reactions I am getting from what i'm doing :)
3= Not at all, something work for some people whilst others dont for others. If it's something i haven't experianced yet, then i'm like, do you wanna show me now then *grin*'
From:
Yay for openess
I'm guessing here that you'd be mortified if you were to find out that someone you were having sex with was not enjoying it at all?
Women in particular find it very hard to raise the issue of what they like because they are scared of hurting the male ego. Would you say that's the same for men as well?
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Re: Yay for openess
Yeah, i think i would be. I am very submissive when it comes to sex, but not so submissive that i will just lie there if nothing is really.. happening, as such. I aim to please, and i would hope that X partner would be doing the same :)
In general however, i think i have a feminine view of sex. I don't believe for one second that there is 100% equality in a sexual relationship. I think some males like to play top a lot, 'prove their worth as a man' etc, maybe that's just a very cynical and generalised view, and to have something suggested to them, they may worry that they are crap in bed, may find things like that are a sore point for future convo.
From:
Interesting..
Of course you are thinking along the sub pathway so your probably more receptive to the idea of someone taking control in a sexual situation and/or expressing an opinion.
I think many people find it difficult to actually allow themselves to be in a submissive situation sexually, even though that is actually what they want. That's a whole other kettle of fish though :)
Personally I think the majority of men are left in the unenviable situation of being the ones who are expected to make the first move and know what they are doing. I've always taken the view that no one minds a little guidance as its better then absolutely no feedback at all.
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Re: Interesting..
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Re: Interesting..
From:
*cringe*
Yes that or asking "Are you okay" when in the middle of actually having sex...
*pulls face*
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Re: *cringe*
I was worried I was hurting them okay! =)
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Re: Yay for openess
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*rolls eyes*
Robin, grow up dear!
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Re: *rolls eyes*
From:
no subject
** Talk to them, best way to get things done right is to communicate the needs. Show them, teach them and talk to them.
*2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?'
** I keep asking and open communication. I want my partner to tell me what they want and enjoy. If they don't tell me I cannot correct it or make it better.
*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?
** *laugh* Nope not at all! I'd want them to enjoy the sexual relationship so if they like something they should say something and if they don't like something also say something!
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
So before I ever started having sexual relations with my now husband we had a discussion about a few things including that if there was something he did NOT like that he should tell me immediately. He did so and our sexual relationship has been excellent.
From:
Hmmm
..all good basic points and ideas. Yay for you :)
How would you deal with a brand new relationship where you are not familiar with how your partner is going to respond to your requests? Do you just bring it up anyway?
Would you be hurt or mortified if you found out that your partner was not enjoying sex with you while they were trying to discuss what they wanted?
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Re: Hmmm
** I would bring it up before we started a sexual relationship (and have). I tell them ahead of time likes and dislikes and that I do not mind the same from them.
Would you be hurt or mortified if you found out that your partner was not enjoying sex with you while they were trying to discuss what they wanted?
** Not really. I know that everyone has different tastes and some things I do may work for some people but other people might HATE it *giggle*.
From:
Your very secure in who you are sexually
..and that *rocks*! As you may have guessed I'm playing devils advocate at the moment because I really want to show that it is possible to have these sorts of conversations without the whole thing imploding into melodrama.
It seems common sense to be honest about your sexual responses but I know that I found it harder to be open when I was younger. Possibly everyone gets less hung up about these things as they get older...
..or maybe we just don't care. Dunno! *grins*
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Re: Your very secure in who you are sexually
I think that as you get older you realize that being sensitive about it is rather silly. That everyone has different things they like and dislike and sometimes compatibility in the sack is impossible. A person who likes it rough and crazy is NOT going to enjoy someone who only likes it slow and soft. While they might enjoy each others company eventually it will end up wanting ya know?
I've just given up caring whether or not its such a big deal *grin*. Perhaps a bit of both really.
From:
Do you think..
These days I'm veering towards the, 'depends what you mean by sex, response to that question but I'd be interested to hear what you think?
I've been lucy to never actually try and be in a relationship with someone I've been totally incompatible with sexually. All the people I couldn't click with sexually have been kinda one night stand affairs anyway. Has that happened with you?
From:
no subject
#1. Discussion is important, as men simply cannot read minds. I have been in relationships with men who didn't respond well to suggestions, questions, or direction, as this was considered critisicsm of their manhood and all that rot. :P However, I have learned that the longer one goes without discussing it, the harder it is to even bring the topic up.
#2. With some men, - non-vocal types - the only way you're gonna know is to ask.
#3. Offended? Hell, I'd be thrilled! ;D
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*grins*
How have you dealt with the situations where discussing it has been like pulling teeth? Personaly I have always resorted to the 'let's watch porn together' option but I realise that may not be feasible in some situations.
Has anyone actually reacted badly to you trying to discuss sexual preferences with them?
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Re: *grins*
From:
Yeah
Your second husband sounds like a right knob. Now that's something you learnt anyway but it's always interesting that the same factors that make people unbearable generally are often reflected in the way they are sexually as well. U agree?
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Re: Yeah
Luckily, while current husband isn't perfect, he's thoughtful, intelligent, and genuinely loves me, so he's much more willing to listen when I want to discuss our sex life, and open to working on things. Being willing goes a long way. But I do still find it awkward to get the discussion going.
From:
no subject
Just curious on your viewpoint(s) of that matter :)
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Good question
Most of my relationships have been with people with people who have either shared my interests enough for us to be able to include enough of what I want to make life interesting or they have been into the scene.
I have tended not to end up with people who have been totally anti but them again I'm fairly up front about such things.
I have been on the other end of the situation on a couple of occasions. I have known several couples, where one of the couple has has very particular requirements sexually which their partner has not been able to fulfill for them. In particular with one couple, the man in this case was very much a masochist while his partner who he loved deeply was unable to hurt him at all simply because it really upset her.
I have no issues with hurting people if that is what they want. They both approached me as a friend and asked if I would fulfill that need for the man. I was happy to do that. His partner was always present during the scene and I never actually had penetrative sex with him. She would then take over the role of looking after him/caring for him after the scene.
It worked very well for a year or so and then I became involved with someone full time and I wasn't able to commit myself in that way anymore.
That's a very specific type of situation and I think if all the parties are honest and open with each other it can be done. In more usual sexual situations I'd say that you have to discuss it and come to some kind of compromise. Kinda I'll do this if you do that.
The BDSM checklists that are available to new players so they can record their hard and soft limits and wishes are actually great tools for most couples even if they aren't interested in BDSM. It's always good to sit down with a partner and run through exactly what they do and don't like. There is something about lists which makes people more open *grins*
I wouldn't advocate anyone doing anything whether sexual or otherwise they are uncomfortable with. It doesn't matter how much you love someone. I've always taken the view that I'd hate someone to be doing something with me just because they felt they ought to. Gah! Makes me shudder just thinking about it. I kind of work on the principal that most people would have a similar view :)
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Re: Good question
I know that very well:- it's not a nice situation to be in, and i would never expect anyone to do anything for/to me that they didn't agree, or didn't feel comfortable doing.
Then again, I can see how it would feel I guess, I feel awful if i accidentally kick or knock someone enough for them to complain in such situations, and usually stop whatever is going on to apologise profusely and rub/kiss better :D
From:
no subject
ok heres my answers... with an extra question thrown in!
1* How do you deal with educating your partner in your sexual needs?
I talk to him. Tell him what is good/not good.
*2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?
I ask him. If im doing it wrong, i gotta know!
*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?
Nope... communication in all things, including sex.
now, my question.. i have Lichen Sclerosis, which is pretty horrible... and trying to find a way to tell the other half whats good and not good doesnt always work... so sometimes im in alot of pain. Just how does anyone out there deal with this. Oh btw, ls is a non sexual skin disease in that area! (just so you know ) Cheryl X
From:
no subject
I may be a tad reppressed, my favourite book of all time is "The Charioteer", where even the kisses are implied... And I have only recently discovered HL slash, which has been sort of a freeing experience in a weird way.
From:
no subject
I've nearly always been able to say "more over this way" - if I'm having sex with them, I should be able to talk with them.
I've had suggestions for how to improve things, and it hasn't hurt my feelings. More like finding out one's partner likes garlic, and so getting out more garlicky recipes. :-) There are one or two things I'm simply not very good at (I have a very small mouth, ahem), and so I try to make up for it in other ways.
From:
no subject
*1* How do you deal with educating your partner in your sexual needs?
Now that one is tough. Many men take any kind of *education*, no matter how thoughtfully put, as criticism.
I've dated men who were so selfish that I could have slapped them upside the head with the information and they just weren't hearing. One guy only liked to have oral sex -- with *him* the only recipiant. No matter what I said, he didn't care and would not budge. Oh, he would occasionally give in and have penetrative sex, but it was more for his benefit than mine. He did absolutely nothing to insure that it would be pleasurable for both of us. When it got so bad that I had to completely delete salt out of the rest of my diet, I finally said bye-bye and dropped him from my dating list. (This was in nursing school - the first time *g*-- Gee, wonder why I failed?)
Cody's dad was great. Very responsive and interested. All I had to do was mention something I wanted to try or tell him what I wanted or liked and he went out of his way to make it a great experience. But then it turned out while he was great in the sex department, he was a giant dickhead in every other possible way.
Jerry is somewhere in the middle. He's willing to listen, but I've always had to be very careful and gentle because his ego would get bruised very easily. Ergo, it was never really easy telling him what I wanted if it was different from what he was used to delivering. I've even had a grumbled complaint that his first wife or other women didn't have any problems (as in seeing my *needs* as something alien as it wasn't something other women had asked for). *shrugs*
2* How do you go about finding out if your partner is enjoying themselves or enjoying what you are doing?
hmm, this one is kind of out there for me. What I mean is that I think it's easier for a woman to tell if a man is enjoying himself than a man (or even another woman) to tell if a woman is enjoying herself. Lets face it, women are the great sexual con artists. We fake orgasms, pleasure, you name it. And how does a man or other woman really know? With men, it's easier. Either he's hard or he's not, and you know when he comes or is getting close. Much harder for them to fake if they are either enjoying themselves or losing interest. Also, men don't really seem to take the same care with their partner's egos as women do. And I mean this as a generalization, of course. Not all men are like that.
But if you really want to know, the easiest way is to just ask "does this feel good?" "Do you like this?"
*3* Would you be offended if your partner made suggestions on how to improve your sexual relationship?
Not at all. The guy who took my virginity was wonderful with this. And I don't think I've ever had a problem with guys who made a suggestion or wanted to try something different.
Of course, you must remember, I've been married for 29 years (together for 30), so I've only had sex with 2 different guys in all that time.
From:
no subject
2. Ask them; watch their reactions, both when doing & when suggesting something; ask them...
3. Nope. I'd rather get suggestions for things to make them happy...