evildrem | LJ Etiquette

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LJ Etiquette

Okay my darlings, I have a question of etiquette for you. I apologise if this questions seems a little opaque but I know some of you who read this in RL and I'm trying to be tactful..

If you read something in an LJ of another person which happens to be about a friend of yours and which you think is:
a) derogatory and unfair and;
b) is not factually correct;

would it be okay to tell the friend about whom the comment has been made, about the post?

Both the owner of the LJ and the friend mentioned in the LJ post are people I know in RL.

I should also add that the person who owns the LJ and who has made the comment thinks I hate them and complained when I friended their LJ. I de-friended but I do still read their LJ because it has a kind of train-wreck fascination. For the record I don't actually hate them, I just find them somewhat delusional and there is a bit of a personality clash.

Normally I'd ignore this type of thing but the comments made are particularly unfair in this case and I'm irritated but wary of causing even more trouble.

Any comments, suggestions or thoughts welcome.

[Sub-question: Am I bad person for reading the public LJ of someone who asked me to de-friend them?]

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...then I totally think it's fair to mention it and give the party being maligned a chance to respond, if they choose. As far as I'm concerned if you make an LJ post and don't friends-lock it, you can't control who does or doesn't find out about what you've said, nor can you control the responses you may get to it.

[Sub-question: Am I bad person for reading the public LJ of someone who asked me to de-friend them?]

No, I don't think you are a bad person, because again--if that other person doesn't want someone reading what they have to say, they can friends-lock their posts. Otherwise they can exert no real control over the situation.

Thank you for your thoughts :) I'm kinda now veering towards speaking to someone close to the friend about it first and then taking things from there.

I've been feeling residual guilt over continuing to read this LJ so its good to know that most people seem to think I'm not being a complete bitch. I must admit I tend to be of the view that if you don't want people to read things you write, don't make them public but..*shrugs*

I feel a bit better now :)

Thank you for your thoughts :) I'm kinda now veering towards speaking to someone close to the friend about it first and then taking things from there.

Probably a good plan. My feelings are fairly heavily based on personal experience, I will admit--I recall a time when very mailicious things were being said about me and my intentions, once upon a time, in some public chat rooms, which I had no idea about until the repurcussions began to hit and I was completely blindsided by it. So, granted, it depends on the situation and the kinds of things being said, but if it's something you feel is important this person should know about, I know if it were me I'd want to hear it. And then make up my own mind if it was a battle worth fighting or simply stupidity worth ignoring :-)

I've decided to take a lateral approach after some thought on this subject. I think I'll speak to the Ex and suggest she stops telling lies to all and sundry as some of them are getting repeated and posted on the net. Then we'll see what happens :)

Thanks again for the thoughts. Sometimes it really helps to clarify your viewpoint by discussing it with people not involved.

>I've been feeling residual guilt

I'm suddenly feeling guilty about reading your LJ, so thought I should say "hey". I am a friend of your lodger, and possibly have met you at least vaguely IRL, although my memory is rather hazy.

I *think* that you've met in real life. You've certainly both been in the same place (the Dungeon, natch) at the same time while I was there...

Yeah but it depends on how out of it I was...

Heh. I know that I was fairly out of it, because I can remember squirmelia and I burbling at each other.

I don't really remember, expect I was completely out of it! Although I was even more so at that Halloween party you went to, when I dressed as a Yink.

How do you know The Lodger? *grins* He knows *everyone* so I apologise if we have been intro'd and I can't remember you. What's your name?

There is no need for you to feel guilty about reading my LJ. None of its particularly personal, its mainly fandom related stuff. I suspect its possibly quite boring :)

Yeah, he does indeed know everyone! He still won't tell me what his LJ is called (that apparently only has one entry in it). Tch.

My real name is Jodi. Some photos of me can be found here (http://squirmelia.fotopic.net/c31414.html). :)

My general life policy is "ignore the delusional". They're really more trouble than they're worth.

..trouble is that I can see some of these comments causing more trouble in the future.

I think I may discuss with some other RL friends first and see what happens.

As you know, I have more than a passing interest in this kind of thing. My personal advice, based on bitter experience, is:

1. Don't tell the maligned party because not knowing about garbage like this is the least harmful option (the exception being if it's something LJ Abuse can deal with, in which case the complaint has to come from the maligned party, so they need to know)

2. Comment in their LJ if you can be arsed, but realise such supportive comments are often deleted because god forbid a contrary opinion be offered when you are involved in a slanderfest.

3. Let rip in your own LJ and defy the arseholes to take you on in your own territory. Usually the cowards won't.

And no, you're not a bad person - if these nits wanted to keep their bullshit private, they know their options. They shouldn't even ask you to defriend them in the first place, since LJ specifically does not give an user the power to do this. They can ban you from commenting in their LJ if they so wish, but if they want to keep shit private, they should do so.

I'm afraid to find out who the people involved in this are. If it's me in any shape or form, I just don't want to know about it.

Fear not darling, this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Infact its not fandom related at all. Its to do with friends of mine where I live and the ongoing soap opera that is my peer group! *sighs*

There is no point in commenting her LJ as the person in question will simply throw a fit and then I'll have to deal with all their stupid friends attacking me and the whole thing will get blown out of all proportion. Believe me, you think you've got a bad rep in fandom, you should try having my rep amongst the alternative crowd where I live ;)

Thanks for the thoughts anyway!

Right, now I know *exactly* who you're talking about. The last time she went off on one of her flights of fantasy (I'll mail you the URL if you want, but suffice to say it was about ), I commented to set the record straight and received various kneejerk replies from her coterie, and then warranted an entirely separate posting by herself in which she whinged about how rude it was for me to a) read her journal and b) post comments there that dared criticise her.

Delusional doesn't even begin to explain her beliefs, although train-wreck is a pretty good description.

would it be okay to tell the friend about whom the comment has been made, about the post?

It depends on what your best prediction of the result would be. Do you think that The Owner's comment will cause problems for The Friend, whether or not The Friend is aware of the comment? Will the problems be alleviated if The Friend responds? In that case, sure, tell The Friend. On the other hand, if The Owner is speaking to no effect, and there will only be trouble if The Friend responds (it takes two to make a fight), then don't tell The Friend.

Am I bad person for reading the public LJ of someone who asked me to de-friend them?

Absolutely not. A public LJ is a public LJ; you're a member of the public. Read and enjoy.

I'm a bit concerned that the comments and more the *attitude* of the person making the comments. I'm worried it is going to cause more trouble in the future.

The Friend will get very upset if I tell them.

Thanks for your thoughts though. Particularly about reading the LJ. I feel a little better now :)

I've had this feeling for a while. Her view of the world seems no longer to be at all congruent with anything that might be considered to be reality. She appears to have no sense of irony; she has posted about the incestuous backbiting nature of the local scene, which as a comparative outsider I find hilarious in its misconception. She's a shameless drama queen.

It's the posts about her partner that I find most concerning.

*paranoia attack*

It's not about me is it?

This is about my insane peer group and the madness that is the alternative crowd where I live..

Honestly Jerry Springer has nothing on some of my friends and mutual acquaintances :)

Ah...them. Good luck with that.

I'd say that it was entirely reasonable to tell the subject of the post about the post, but I'm hardly Mr. Tact.

(this wouldn't be about anyone I know, would it?)

Oh come on Nick, you of all people should know who's LJ I'm talking about..

It's all your fault I even read the damn thing ;)

I realised immediately after I posted that I knew exactly who you were talking about. Yes, she's off on one again.

The last time she went off on one (Mar 18th) was about her partner, who I thought she had misrepresented rather more than usual. I posted, more fool me, and got the predictable response from her entourage and from herself. Interestingly, the person who is the subject of this latest delusional episode had a chat with me when the dust settled, and told me that she'd claimed she was 'only joking'. Well, that's all right then. isn't it?

I *must* stop reading her LJ...

Do you think its' worth saying anything to the friend in question who is she is talking about? Only its utter bollox what she's said. I know the ex in question as well and that statement has been taken completely out of context.

Gah! No your right, maybe I should also stop reading that LJ.

I'd say yes, you probably should mention it. He'll no doubt discount it as "just one of those things that she posts", which is a coping strategy of sorts (in fact, his response is most likely to be "Mneh *shrug*"). You're more likely to get a favourable reaction from him than I am, I think.

What worries me is that there are people in the local scene whose entire knowledge of some people seems to be based on what this person has posted in her LJ.

As I see it you have two ethical choices: to speak up for your friend in the nut's jounal in your own voice if you believe there will be RL repercussions or to keep the F out of it. Yes, I hear its a public post by a nut case and, yes, you know these people but equally, yes, in the end if you tattle, the person who will be causing your friend pain will be you and that may be where part of your discomfort is coming from.

..what was really bothering me was how much this was going to upset the friend and whether it was actually worth it.

I've decided to take a lateral approach and speak to the Ex and suggest she stops telling lies to all and sundry as some its then getting repeated and embellished and posted on the internet.

Hopefully that may do the trick :)

personally, I prefer it when the comments are directed to the person who made them, thus giving them the chance to remove the offending comments, explain, or apologise or whatever.

Having folks who don't like you reading your journal really sucks.

Having folks who don't like you reading your journal really sucks.

Welcome to the Internet. That's why LJ provides all that lovely friends locked stuff - people who bitch about other people 'stalking' them or harassing them because they read material on a publicly available website are just shit stirring.

Ah yes, but I can't lock my lj because several of my dearest friends persistently and stubbornly refuse to get an LJ, therefore anything I write for them is also available to the masses. I do try to edit my posts but there's always that one careless post that gets me in hot water.

I'm just saying, not all of us have the luxury of filters, and people who troll the ljs of folks they don't like should really get lives. Spend the time you'd otherwise waste raising money for Amenesty or something. I mean, really, some people.

I concur with the above, but would also like to add that reading this person's LJ is far preferable to having to deal with her in person.

I read the person in question's LJ out of a ghoulish fascination more then anything else. Possibly not tasteful but then equally I take the view if people are going to spew their personal life all over the internet on their heads be it.

Well, yes, there is the whole public domain sphere of it, but if celebs can get tetchy when they get caught out falling over the footpath, mere mortals can, too.

But if you do stumble over something you read that you don't like, well, as I said, either talk to the author so they have a chance to amend text that may very well be being taken out of context or misconstrued (the number of times folks have misread entries about other folks as being about themselves now runs into double figures) or at least give the author the chance to say, OMG, yes, I've made a mistake, and remove or retract before inviting the masses along for a flame war bbq.

That's all I'm saying. If a person reads stuff they know is likely to be contrary, well, it's an automatic caveat (I mean, why should a person have to edit their own lj for public nicety, freedom of speech and all that) and they should expect to be offended on occasion.

If a person posts something that goes down like cold vomit, which I do, lots, they can either delete the post, apologise for hasty and ill thought words (not everyone posts sober) or ignore
it and hope it'll all go away (it never does).

We all have snarky days :D We're all human.

Hope that makes sense. I was just trying to voice other sides. It's never a happy event when you post something snarky or clever or snippy and the wrong folks see it and over react. Sometimes we forget we're talking to a crowded room.

If it were about me (which I know it isn't) I would prefer you not tell me, because my feelings wouldn't be helped by knowing I was being slagged off. However, I *would* want you to defend me - if not in her LJ, in personal email to her.

We had a situation like this a couple of years ago, someone spreading a lie, and the more people said to us "ooh, I heard about that" the worse we felt. The few people who told the person spreading it that they knew it wasn't true were greatly appreciated.

..I think I as a person involved would want to know, but equally I would be hurt. I would normally post in the person's LJ about this but all that has hapenned in the past when this has been done is the author of the LJ goes off on a mass hissy fit and it causes more trouble then before.

After some consideration and discussion with some friends I've decided to have a word with the ex of the friend who was talking to the author of the LJ and suggest she stops telling people lies which then get added to and posted on the internet.

Then I'll wait and see what happens.

I hate these situations.

Dear me...
If you had the slightest idea of whom you were speaking. Sure.
If you had any inkling of the reputation, the comtributions made by her to all of slash fandom, the sheer idiocy of the accusations made by your *friend*. Sure.
If you weren't jumping to said friends' defense only because she *is* your friend. Sure
As it stands. Your reactions in *defending* your so-called friend make a fool of you.

Hello anonymous. You ever so brave person!

If this post isn't the *best* illustration of all that is wrong with fandom generally.

My post was nothing to do with slash fandoms or anyone in it. My do we have guilty conscience

Perhaps you should take your paranoia and fuck off back to where you came from and next time have the courage to actually reply in person.

oh dear, Em, looks like you've pissed off a friend of a very Big Name Fan indeed - i mean, someone who's contributed to 'all' of slash fandom. My God - we must be talking about someone of the intellectual stature of a... well, a george w. bush, at the very least.

Looks like you need to watch your step. God forbid you should (a) have a life outside fandom which some people refuse to believe could exist or (b) friends that are not approved of by the great unwashed.

Next thing you know, someone might... gasp! defriend you! Oh No, my lovely, can you bear it?

Pathetic wanking anon, go the fuck away.

Ooh look! It's a wanker. And one who can't read the above where it says it's a Real Life situation and not in any way fandom related.

Away with boring little anonymice.

Moi?
A Wanker?!
Hmmm
Guess it takes one to know one.
And you should know one when you see one - or do you claim that you're not one yourself?
Methinks you live in the land of denial...
Jennie

Score! I am cut to the quick by your witty and incisive repartee. *is mortally wounded*

Yet curiously bored.

Dear me.
Bored you, have I?
Cut you to the quick?
Mortally wounded you?

And Em thinks *she's* evil???

Heavens above!

I'd be ashamed of myself if I had any reason to be so.

Jennie

It's against my religion to have a battle of wits with an unarmed enemy.

Bye, now.

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LJ Etiquette

If it's a public post....

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*laughing*

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*looks quizzical*

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Wise words..

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*hugs*

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Thanks..

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No darling..

Re: No darling..

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*wry grin*

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Okay well if you've seen the post..

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I think you hit the nail on the head..

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filters smilters

Actually I don't troll anyone's LJ..

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Re: Actually I don't troll anyone's LJ..

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Thanks

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WTF

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WOW

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laughing

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looks quizzical

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hugs

wry grin